I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
