you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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