marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
