the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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