i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
