he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
