By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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