He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
