Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
