My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
