guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
