I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
