This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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