It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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