fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
