I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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