im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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