Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
