she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
