I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
