Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
