I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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