dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
