i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
