I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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