Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
