Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We are all done wearing pants today
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
