new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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