the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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