Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
