Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
