you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
