Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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