just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
