The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
