They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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