I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
