I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
