I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
