Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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