I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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