This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
