I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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