a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
