no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dick very happy bro
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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