He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
