so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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