highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
