There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
