my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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