Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
