While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
